CAKE | 21 — Space exploration

Sol 167

I have given up on getting dressed. Or rather I stopped wearing most of my clothes. Instead I usually put on one of the three leggings I own and randomly pair them with a shirt or an oversized hoodie. I don’t remember the last day I wore an underwire bra. I certainly never intend to wear one again and have stopped pretending they are a perfectly fine piece of clothing.

Sol 173

Today I put on red lipstick. Nobody can see it, unless I have a video call, that is. But it is my pièce de résistance. My attempt at reclaiming some self-respect, even if this particular one is based on patriarchy. Most days I spend barefoot. I have not given up on pedicures just yet but did stop washing my hair every day. How could I have ever performed this tedious task daily? Hail to the bun.

Sol 188

Need to stock up on coffee and granola next week. My CSA box will arrive on Thursday. Added oranges that I have been craving and splurged on an avocado and some raspberries. Living large, 2020 edition.

Sol 191

My days now consist of repetitions. They only vary in the distance I walked or whether I washed my hair that morning or not.

Sol 198

I have finally accepted my limited resources. I eat what’s there. No running to the store because I ran out of sesame oil or eggs. Too risky. Too much of a hassle. I have started keeping a list of things to get next time I venture outside, which is usually only once a week. 

Sol 211

Purchased 24 cartons of oat milk for no apparent reason. They will expire next February which means … I can’t do the math. All I know is I need to drink lots of milk now. I keep ordering stuff online in a daze late at night and immediately forget that I did. The last involuntary purchase resulted in a book delivery which at least was a pleasant momentary surprise. I also ordered a cashmere sweater, thermal underwear, post its in bulk (I keep forgetting stuff, remember?) and a pulse oximeter. So far my oxygen level is at 98 %. My brain activity must have dipped significantly. Apparently I can’t science the shit out of this like Matt Damon.

Sol 232

I started to exchange letters with strangers. Some days I only venture outside to check my mailbox, hoping to receive a letter from one of my pen pals in far away places. Opening a handwritten letter is surprisingly exciting. I’d lost my immediate connections as I have not seen my friends and family members in months but now I'm in touch with random women in Antwerp, Richmond, Brooklyn and Tokyo.

Sol 246

My access to a reliable source of sun and fresh air that has sustained me throughout spring and summer has been revoked. It's gotten too cold to spend time on the balcony. It was a perfect spot to watch life pass by.

Sol 259

In lockdown once again. For a few months now my life has been limited to the apartment and an occasional walk outside. Depending on the weather I bundle up and venture up north to the city park or down south toward the harbour or the lake, passing the fancy neighbourhoods with turn of the century houses and mansions. I never leave the house without my gear, i.e. face mask, hand sanitizer and headphones. And comfortable shoes. I am suddenly amazed by the beauty of barren trees, a grey sky or the moon shining through a small accumulation of clouds.

Sol 271

It’s the middle of winter but there is a bird singing loudly in the street as if its life depended on it. Naturally, at first I thought it was my headphones. It was chirping whenever I stepped outside of the house or turned around the corner when returning home. It’s delightful yet oddly unsettling. Poor guy is probably as confused as I am. Also, I feel completely alienated from anything that is alive. Have caught myself staring at a tree trunk in a park the other day. I've no explanation for this kind of behaviour. 

Sol 285

I have taken up crying in the most impossible moments. The last time in the bathroom. Drying my face off with a towel must have dislodged something in my brain. Cried into the towel for approximately one and a half minutes and got on with my day.

Sol 299

When I don’t feel like leaving the hab, I get on the treadmill. It’s just a belted plane, with nothing to hold on to – unlike the ones at the gym. It is placed facing a wall which gives me a perfect view of nothing. I can easily spend an hour or two on it, reading or listening to podcasts or audiobooks. A sad but efficient way to get your heart racing and to feel something. 

Sol 303

Going to bed doesn’t feel as good as it used to pre-pandemic. Back when you were so exhausted just the process of lowering your head onto the pillow resulted in immediate rest and relaxation. These days I take deep breaths while lying in bed with my eyes wide open. In through the nose and out through the mouth.

Sol 315

I got myself a GPS watch to be ready for the time when coordinates will matter again. It’s white and looks like something a NASA astronaut would wear. It keeps track of my exercises and walks and it monitors my sleep. It also has an emergency button which triggers an alarm. In case I fall off the treadmill, I guess. 

Sol 341

This weekend I got to play around with a VR set and entered an exact replica of the ISS in zero gravity. It took me a while to get used to it, to not bump into walls but move effortlessly and fluently through the corridors by grabbing and releasing the bars lining the walls. At the end of one of the corridors was the cupola, an observatory module with seven windows that give you a 360 degrees view of space. I turned around looking through the window panes down onto earth. The screen was pixelated – and yet. For a moment I was out there, inside it.

Sol 344

My skin has gotten pale and my hair long. I have started taking vitamin D. Almost a year into video calls I finally got sucked into buying a ring light. Not sure how I feel about that.

Sol 358

I must have zoomed my way into an apathy that I didn’t think was genetically possible.

Sol 366

According to recent calculations, I might be able to leave the hab sometime between August 2021 and February 2022. That’s the estimate for me to get vaccinated, depending on the velocity. Not sure if I will be able to keep my sanity past this winter. Might have already lost it. Who’s to tell?

Sol 371

Apparently it’s a new year. That's two years I refuse to add to my age. Listening to Starman on repeat.

Sol 393

I have been socially distancing for over a year now. Who am I without all the others? At night I order clothes for a different me that long ceased to exist. Like that gorgeous red coat that looked ridiculous in this place (I returned it).

Sol 401

I read so I can hear somebody else think. 12 books so far this year. I’ve no idea where this will end. But I do know that NASA will not attempt a dangerous rescue mission to bring me back with the whole world rooting for me. I wouldn't get dressed for that anyway.